Why do we so often feel bad about setting boundaries in our lives? Like something is seriously wrong with us if we aren't able to just 'get along' with everyone? Is it that we don't want to come across as rude, selfish, or uncaring? Is it easier to just back down for the sake of keeping the peace? Or is it that we have been conditioned to put everyone else before ourselves?
I spent the great majority of my youth with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. And the reason? I wanted everyone to like me. It wasn't until after I experienced two abusive relationships that I realized setting boundaries is not only necessary, it is an act of self-perseverance. We don't do any favors by sacrificing our own feelings for the sake of someone else's, and we certainly don't create harmony by pacifying others while denying our own needs. And as far as everyone liking us? Get over it, because it's never gonna happen. We must like and love ourselves first and formost. So when it comes to drawing our lines in the sand, how do we do it in a healthy, loving way for all concerned?
In order to successfully set healthy boundaries we first must know what we value in life.
Grab a piece of paper and jot down what is most important to you; things that would allow you to live that truly amazing and fulfilling life you wanna live. Once you have your list, use it as a reference anytime you find yourself questioning if a particular relationship is healthy for you by asking yourself, 'Does this person fit the vision I have for my life?' When you know your values, the answer will be clear.
You will be able to determine quite quickly those who uplift and those who lean; those who encourage and those who drain; those who appreciate and those who deplete. Then you can make a conscious choice about who to keep in your life, who to let go of and who to perhaps love from a distance.
We need to understand that it's natural and sometimes beneficial to release people from our lives, no matter who it is and that it can be done in a very gentle and kind way by simply redirecting our energy elsewhere. This is usually all it takes for the other person to receive the message and move on.
Remember we cannot be in a flourishing relationship without appropriate boundaries. We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. Setting wholesome boundaries is an exercise in personal freedom. It means becoming crystal clear about where we stand and what we stand for and lovingly letting go of those who no longer resonate with our truth. Never adjust your boundaries to fit your relationships.
Boundaries are about your relationship with YOU!