When Home Hurts
Melissa raced frantically around the room, cramming as much as she could into two large brown suitcases.
"Hurry," her insides screamed. Her nerves ready to snap.
She had already called a cab, but was petrified her boyfriend would return before she was able to escape. Making sure not to leave anything she needed behind, she flew around the room making split second decisions on what was important to take and what she could live without. Grabbing this, leaving that, she flipped drawers upside down and dumped the contents into her already overstuffed bags. With seams bursting, she sat on each, struggling to zip them as her eyes scanned the room one last time.
"Have I forgotten anything?" she asked herself, dashing to the window of her three story apartment for the hundredth time, making sure his car was not in the parking lot below.
"The coast is clear. You can do this. Breeeeeathe," she reassured herself, while her heart pounded a fast, heavy beat outside her chest.
The fear twisted her belly into knots as bile began to rise in her throat. She ran to the toilet and purged it all into the basin as doubt and defeat grabbed her.
"Oh my God, what am I doing? If he finds me he will kill me!"
While she quickly wiped her mouth with a damp cloth, Melissa caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror but hardly recognized the girl looking back. Her nose was sliced down the middle and swollen beyond it's normal size. Both eyes were underlined with deep shades of blue, while finger print bruises encircled her entire neck.
Suddenly, a long forgotten power began to stir within her causing her to look deeply into that girl's fearful eyes.
"If he finds you he may kill you, but if you stay he will kill you for sure!"
Without another thought Melissa turned, grabbed her sunglasses and bags, and ran out the door and down the hall to the elevator. Punching the button several times, she waited impatiently.
"Hurry," she whispered, barely able to breath.
The doors finally opened and she was relieved to find no one inside. Rushing into the elevator she pushed the button then stood frozen with her back against the wall, physically paralyzed with the thought that he'd be standing there when the doors re-opened.
If he caught her leaving, it would be bad. She had tried before and remembered all too well how he had first taken her suitcase and beat it on the ground until all her belongings were shattered into tiny little pieces before turning on her. If she had not somehow gotten his finger into her mouth, biting down to the bone, he would have choked her to death.
She remembered the adrenaline that raced through her veins that night, giving her an unusual strength that can only be described as miraculous. Like those people she'd heard about that were suddenly able to lift a 2000 pound car off a loved one. These memories caused Melissa to shudder uncontrollably.
The elevator door popped open, snapping her back to the present moment. She cautiously leaned forward, her eyes darting in every direction at once. She didn't see him. To her relief the cab was just pulling into the parking lot, so Melissa quickly snatched up her two bags and took off running as fast as her legs would carry her, towards that taxi...the unknown...and her freedom.
Although this could be about any one of the four million women who find themselves at the receiving end of a man's fist each year in America, this story is much more personal, for Melissa was me. I stayed in this abusive relationship for three years before breaking free.
These experiences, as painful as they were, are very valuable to me, for they caused me to finally stand up and say, “No more!” Choosing to love myself rather than searching for my wholeness in another. This choice can be a difficult one to make, because anyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship, typically has a low self-image to begin with. This is what initially attracts the abuser to them. Abusers are drawn towards those they can easily manipulate and dominate.
Now one would surely conclude, after making it out of this ordeal alive, that I was well equipped to recognize any and all red flags in my future associations with men. But it would take a two year relationship with another abuser before I would become crystal clear about one crucial point:
The very FIRST TIME you experience abuse, you MUST leave immediately and stay away for good, regardless of the circumstance!
People often ask me, "What causes someone to stay with an abuser?" It's a valid question, with many answers. To outside observers, abusive relationships can be perplexing. Those who have never experienced such turbulence firsthand, often can't wrap their heads around why someone would intentionally hurt someone they claim to love, or why anyone would continue to stay in such a situation.
It is important to understand that abusive relationships usually involve severely ingrained behaviors, brain washing tactics, and a complex power dynamic that can make one feel powerless to escape. This can lead to one becoming psychologically dependent on the abuser.
Abusers set out to control their subjects, first by eradicating all outside interference, such as friends and family, which results in isolation. Then they use intimidation, humiliation, name calling, mind games, and physical assaults to maintain this control. The emotional effects of this type of abuse include anxiety, fear, helplessness, low self-esteem, and loss of hope.
One reason victims stay in abusive relationships is because the abuser is usually the bread winner of the house, making it challenging to imagine how one would survive after leaving.
Thankfully, today there are shelters in every state that understand the fears and concerns of these types of victims. Most shelters can be found on-line and offer food, clothing, housing, transportation, counseling, parenting courses, childcare, medical aid, job placement, and help with life skills and planning a future free of violence.
Fear is the number one reason so many people remain in the domestic throws of violence. Namely the fear of retaliation if one tries to leave the abuser. The fear of leaving becomes bigger than the fear of staying. The domesticabuseshelter.org states that "of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended."
If you are living with abuse right now, there are many pro-active alternatives to staying with a batterer that will begin to repair your self-esteem and empower you to make the healthy choices needed for yourself and your family. Shelters offer vital temporary help and can be key to getting your life back. Reconnecting with family and friends can result in the support and financial help required to begin again. There is a great deal of valuable resources that can be found on-line as well. Taking a self defense course, for example, is extremely empowering and a great tool in protecting yourself.
Yes, the thought of leaving can be extremely frightening, yet if you have been in an abusive relationship for any length of time at all, you've undoubtedly acquired impeccable survival skills. Use them now to get out. Quite often the thought of leaving is worse than the actual act itself.
- Tell yourself that staying is no longer an option!
- Devise a plan. (Prepare and hide a bag filled with extra clothing, money, and essentials so you can grab it and go).
- Sever all communication! Abusers will try every trick in the book to manipulate their subject's return so be prepared and sever all communication. This step is vital due to the brainwashing/co-dependency factors that will take some time to dissolve completely.
- Re-direct your focus. Rather than focusing on fearful consequences that you do not wish to happen, why not put all your focus into the results you do want and then begin taking the steps that will lead you to your freedom. One step leads to another, than another...so take that first step and walk away from the violence.
Once you make the decision that your role as victim is over, embrace your power and believe in yourself again. Believe there's a way.
By changing your beliefs, you change your life.
Beyond The Horizon
It's 7:24 am. The deafening ring of the bell reverberates throughout campus, sending student's scurrying off in all directions at once. Heavy green metal doors repeatedly clank open and shut. The shuffling of shoes on concrete, voices, musical ring tones, squeals, screams, laughter, shoving, joking, pushing, a second loud bell then - complete silence. Another school day has begun.
Horizon High School, located in Scottsdale, Arizona is surrounded by an affluent residential community. In fact, it is customary to find Mercedes, Lexus and other upscale brand vehicles parked within the Junior and Senior parking lots located on the north and south ends of the school. The gates to these parking lots remain locked throughout the day and students are not allowed to leave campus during school hours. A big complaint for students who would like the freedom to leave for lunch.
However, one school administrator feels the closed campus is a good idea, "Open campus would simply create unnecessary opportunities for students to be late or ditch class, get into car accidents, or possibly do drugs." Some students complain that this closed campus policy adds to Horizon's prison-like atmosphere. None of the classrooms have windows and the new door-lock system, installed a few years ago for increased security purposes, requires the swipe of a card to open classroom doors.
The corridors of Horizon High School are for the most part indoors and surround an outdoor central courtyard area where students can be found sitting along the cement stairs eating lunch, socializing and talking on cell phones. Other than a few small trees the landscape is barren. Opening to the courtyard is the school store, a bookstore and food court where a mixed aroma of Subway, Samari Sams and Pizza Hut fill the lunch-time air.
The dark brown carpeted hallways encompassing the media center, flaunt student's art work, current fund raising projects and glass showcases filled with gold trophies and plaques from sports championships of years past. Between classes these halls are filled with the 2400+ students that attend Horizon each day. Many walking head down while fingers tap away on cell phones.
Horizon is a comprehensive, suburban four year high school. One of six high schools in the Paradise Valley school district with a 'Great School' overall rating of 9 out of 10. Horizon's mission is, "To provide the building blocks for the ABC's in the 21st century - Academic excellence, Belief in self and others and Community responsibility in a changing society." But is Horizon High School accomplishing this mission? When it comes to preparing students for life beyond Horizon, is the school's focus on money sending students mixed messages?
Money Matters
The economy has played a big role in the lack of funds available for schools across America and Horizon is no exception. Recently, their popular Fine Arts department was removed from the curriculum. Restrooms are often found without soap, paper towels and toilet paper. Latches on stalls are missing. The auditorium elevator malfuntions daily. Teachers donate cleaning supplies and vacuums and are responsible for cleaning up their own rooms each day since janitor's now only service the halls and restrooms - not individual classrooms.
The campus is dull looking. The landscape void of color. The air conditioning unit is old causing some rooms to be hot, while others are freezing. So how does Horizon raise the money necessary for these much needed repairs and keep the school running smoothly? One way is by following a policy set by the PV school district: "No student is allowed to fail." Horizon receives money for each day a student attends classes, which seems to be making students a valuable commodity.
Absences are frowned upon by the school. Too many missed days result in phone calls and letters from the administration warning parents that their children are in jeopardy of failing or ending up in court. Yet these threats of failure are mere words since the "no fail" policy has been put into effect.
Students at Horizon are being passed along through the system regardless of their academic achievements. The need for funding has taken precedence over eduation. When it comes to school work, teenagers for the most part tend to do only what is absolutely necessary to get by. Apparently at Horizon, all that's required of them is to simply show up.
Who Cares?
Horizon students are aware of this “no fail” rule and since there are no consequences for their lack of study, some students feel they have nothing to lose. Horizon security explains, "They keep kids no matter what because they don't want to lose the money. The failing kids are usually the trouble makers. If the school was able to fail them, a lot of the trouble would be resolved." And how much trouble is actually going on at Horizon? Well, it depends on who you ask.
Faculty members believe the drug issue at Horizon is marginal with just an occasional alcohol or marijuana incident. Students have a very different perspective, claiming that 90% of their classmates do drugs and can purchase these drugs on campus at anytime. Since most kids attending Horizon come from affluent families, students claim the types of drugs readily available are also upscale - oxycodone, cocaine, black tar heroin are but a few.
Red Eyed and Weary
There are teachers at Horizon that go the extra mile and their passion for teaching is felt by their students. Other teachers seem to have given up. One complained, "It isn't fun anymore." While teacher's duties have increased, their pay has declined.
One teacher expressed, "Kids don't have respect, work ethic or motivation. The kids at Horizon are used to 'having'. It's the entitlement generation and they know the school district won't fail them. Student's really have to set failure as a goal to fail now-a-days. Anytime a student gets in trouble there are just excuses made by the school as to why. They push medication, anything, but won't fail them."
Rumor has it that one Horizon teacher, loved by many, was fired because she was caught doing homework for her students. Was it genuine concern for her pupils or the pressure to raise the percentage of passing students that drove her to make a decision that cost her career?
Pass Now, Fail Later
Yes, Horizon claims their mission is about the ABC's:
- Academic excellence.
- Believe in self.
- Community responsibility.
But actions speak a wee bit louder than mere words and with Horizon's "no fail" policy in effect, these actions suggest a mission far more dedicated to the $123's than the ABC's.