Sometimes we keep super busy with various forms of entertainment simply to escape our own consciousness, because being alone means looking at ourselves.
Okay, time for some REAL . . .
I've been inbound the last few days, peeling away layers, going deeper and deeper in; getting even more real with myself; allowing old rages and pains the freedom to bubble up to the surface. I've been clearing away what no longer serves, shedding fears along with tears and becoming more and more - me. (Does this ever end? Nevermind I know the answer to that.)
For someone who has transmuted - OMG - a plethora of shit throughout my life, has assisted others in doing the same and KNOWS without a doubt we all must feel and face our fears and core issues (I wrote about it for God-sake!), it humbles me to say, as I found myself traveling closer to this recent chasm, I did everything in my power to avoid it. I think for several months now I've been afraid that if I allowed myself to surrender completely into this seemingly dark abyss, I would lose myself completely.
Turns out, THAT is exactly what we gotta do. I've realized on an even more profound and intimate level that avoiding our stuff can raise all sorts of havoc in our bodies and our lives.
It's hard to share all this with you since I greatly prefer being uplifting and whenever I'm facing something painful myself, I much rather go off to my own little cave and process alone. But I realize by doing so, I have been avoiding vulnerability - something that has always been a bit of a challenge for me.
To be courageous we must be vulnerable, so I guess it's fair to say, I've been a bit of a coward.
Over the last few months, I found myself anxiously seeking answers, frozen in fear, not knowing which direction to go in, meanwhile losing faith in myself and my purpose. In fact, my life seemed to no longer have any meaning at all. Why am I here???
I consider myself to be a bit analytical at times (that's probably an understatement), so over the last few days I've been looking deeply at what led me to this place of complete upheaval and what I've uncovered is this: after my youngest child moved out I experienced (to my utter surprise) the empty nest syndrome. After raising my boys for 30 years, suddenly I didn't know who I was. Then I graduated from college after five and a half years of study. And now at this stage in my life, I'm faced with the reality that I must change careers after 22 years as a myotherapist. My hands can't take anymore.
ALL THE STRUCTURES OF MY LIFE HAVE CRUMBLED - and me right along with them.
I did everything in my power to keep my head above water, but I kept sinking. I did everything EXCEPT surrender. Over the last few days I finally let myself drown - in my tears, in my fears, in my rage - all of it!
Yes, I feel a hot-mess right now. I've been in my PJs all day! But a deep calming peace has enveloped me. I know it's all going to be just fine; that this is simply another step in my journey to deeper awareness and authenticity. So tomorrow I'll take several deep breaths, pull up my big-girl panties and carry on.