Sometimes we keep super busy with various projects, tasks and entertainment, simply to escape our own consciousness, because being alone means looking at ourselves.
Okay, time for some REAL . . .
I've been inbound the last few days, peeling away layers, going deeper and deeper in. Getting even more real with myself. Allowing old rages and pains the freedom to bubble up to the surface. I've been clearing away what no longer serves, shedding fears along with tears and becoming more and more - me. (Does this ever end? Nevermind I know the answer to that.😏)
As someone who has processed a plethora of shit throughout my life, has assisted others in doing the same, and knows the importance of facing our fears, and core issues (I wrote about it for Pete's-sake!), it humbles me to say, as I found myself moving closer to this recent uprising, I did everything in my power to avoid it. I think for several months now, I've been afraid that if I allowed myself to surrender completely into this seemingly dark abyss, I would lose myself completely.
Turns out, THAT is exactly what we gotta do. I've realized on an even more profound and intimate level, that avoiding our stuff can raise all sorts of havoc in our bodies and lives.
It's hard to share all this, since I prefer being inspirational and uplifting, and whenever I'm facing something painful myself, I'd much rather go off to my own little cave, and process alone. But I realize by doing so, I've been avoiding vulnerability - something that has always been a challenge for me. Since courage often requires some degree of exposure, I guess it's fair to say, I've been a bit of a coward.
Over the last few months, I've been anxiously seeking answers, frozen in fear, not knowing which direction to turn, meanwhile losing faith in myself and my purpose. In fact, my life seemed to no longer have any meaning at all. Why am I here???
I consider myself to be a bit analytical at times (that's probably an understatement), so over the last few days I've been looking deeper at what led me to this place of complete upheaval. What I've uncovered is this: after my youngest child moved out I experienced (to my utter surprise) the empty nest syndrome. After raising my boys for so many years, suddenly I didn't know who I was. At the same time, I graduated from college after five and a half years of study. Then most recently, I'm faced with the reality that I must change careers, after 22 years as a myotherapist. My hands just can't take anymore.
ALL THE STRUCTURES OF MY LIFE HAVE CRUMBLED - and me right along with them.
I did everything in my power to keep my head above water, but I kept sinking. I did everything EXCEPT surrender. Over the last few days, I finally let myself drown - in my tears, in my fears, in my rage - all of it!
Yes, I feel a hot-mess right now. I've been in my PJs all day! But a deep calming peace has enveloped me. I know it's all going to be just fine; that this is simply another step in my journey to deeper awareness and authenticity. So tomorrow I'll take several deep breaths, put on my big-girl panties, and carry on.