I must say, I'm pretty dang grateful for the new year! The last week of 2019 felt like an emotional war zone with latent land mines detonating all through me. A simple sideways glance or flippant remark took me down. My sensitivity was high. My wounds were deep. Raw. Exposed. During this trek through emotive explosives, a part of me wanted to reach for the armors and vices that had always soothed me, kept me feeling safe and perhaps even a bit numb all these years.
I've been here so many times before - delving, processing, freeing myself a wee bit more from my own shackles. But this time the feelings were deeper still. Again, I said 'no' to the reaching. Again, I sat with these long-ago stifled sensitivities and allowed the tears to flow. Again, I let the anger out. I didn't try to fix or understand or feel better. I simply gave them space to generate enough speed and, like a passing train, move right on through me.
I realized something. My desire to face my own bullshit and heal old wounds isn't something I can rush. In fact, transformation isn't something we choose at all - it chooses us. When we're ready. And it doesn't happen because we're surrounded by supportive friends offering hugs and inspirational chats. Quite the opposite. It happens when we're alone.
Transformation begins by tearing away the tapestry of who we think we are. Our story. Our so-called identity. Suicidal thoughts flicker on and off throughout the process because it feels like we're undergoing a slow-mo death and all we wanna do is speed up the f'n process.
Transformation is complex. As we shift and change we must constantly shed our perceptions of what that means, until finally our self-image is so battered and bruised it becomes meaningless, which of course is the objective. The time it takes to move through our pain is directly proportionate to how attached we are to our story.
By fully embracing our transformation and letting it have its way with us; by admitting to ourselves that we have no friggin' clue what's happening, we find strength and humbleness in our ignorance and can finally let go of the sorrow that has been weighing us down for so long.
We're not our story.
When we drop that narrative, we're free.
Happy 2020 loves!