I remember in elementary school I always got a check on my report card for "talks and disturbs class." Besides talking with my fellow classmates, I questioned my teachers when something they said didn't make sense to me. Like when they told us we all came from Adam and Eve and I wanted to understand where all the different races came from. I remember feeling stupid and embarrassed for asking my question after the teacher told me sternly to, "Be quiet and sit down."
Yes as a child I spoke up, spoke out and broke a lot of rules along the way. My energy always felt like it was bursting forth from me and I couldn't contain it. I hated to be confined in any way. I wanted to MOVE and do stuff! I remember my first grade teacher tying me to my desk chair with a jump rope for this very reason.
I remember as a young girl having so many exciting dreams and ideas. Like fantasizing I'd become a famous singer one day. I'd pretend for hours in my bedroom, playing my Donny Osmond records over and over and singing in front of my mirror, using my hairbrush as a microphone. And I remember being told such ideas were ridiculous, that I needed to be realistic and stop being such a dreamer.
I remember so many shame afflicted moments of my youth. Moments that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem and self-worth, until finally as a teenager I couldn't take any more and ran away from home. I remember being told I was selfish - only thinking of myself - and enduring years of criticism for making the choice to remove myself from the tumultuous situation.
Reminiscing these moments from so long ago, I see the sensitive girl that I was and the rebel within me that refused to go down. I see how I fought every step of the way for my freedom and right to be me. And although I allowed criticism to affect how I viewed myself, which eventually led me into abusive relationships, something deep inside me refused to wave the white flag of surrender. The more someone tried to squelch my spirit, the harder I fought to survive intact.
It took many years of processing my shit to realize that there was never anything wrong with me. That being sensitive is a blessing. That "no" I'm not gonna believe everything I'm told, nor follow rules I don't agree with. That "yes" I AM a dreamer, but like Lennon said, "I'm not the only one." And today, I believe I picked this turbulent journey as a way of strengthening myself. It had to hurt like hell to be effective. I chose the mountain and I climbed it. There is still farther to go of course, since the journey never ends, but I can see a gorgeous panoramic view from here and it fills me with such gratitude and excitement.
Onward...