Many years ago someone told me I was too defensive and that perhaps it was time to take off my boxing gloves. Of course my initial response was to raise them up and bop her a good one. How dare she scrutinize me? She doesn't even know me!
Her cheeky 'hitting below the belt' remark would stick in my craw and echo in my mind, until one day I finally got it. All the trauma and abuse I had experienced in my life had indeed strengthened me and helped me grow whatever the female equivalent of cahonies are, but it also drove me to be like an overzealous bouncer, ready to pounce the second anyone verbally stepped a toe over my boundary line. I realized right then and there, it was time to forfeit the bout and TAP OUT so I could TAP IN to myself.
Why am I sometimes too defensive?
What am I so pissed off about?
What am I fighting for?
What does victory look like?
During this not-so-fun process of self-discovery, I identified my inner 'badass rebel' who perpetually defended the little girl within me that had been criticized and bullied. This same rebel also stood guard for the teenage me that endured years of domination, brainwashing and abuse, making certain that no one ever took advantage of her again. Yes, the answers to these questions led straight to my anger, sorrow and all the unsettled places within me that so desperately needed my acceptance and compassion.
When we allow ourselves to feel and express the pain from the past, we are able to mend those neglected places within us. As the defensiveness falls away, a calm confidence fills its place. We find our balance again. That sure sounds like victory to me!