My beloved doggy is gone. There is a void in my life now. A deep wound. A silence in my home that is deafening. How do I live with being the one to have made the decision to end her life? Does she understand why? Every time I find myself singing or laughing I think of her and feel guilty for enjoying my life when I took hers away.
Yes, I know she is no longer in pain. I cling to that thought like a drowning woman clings to a life preserver, knowing without it I would simply melt on the floor in a heap and never get up. I have moments when I forget, expecting to see her smiling face when I come home. Or I find myself looking down before I walk because she was always under foot - only to find an empty space that she once filled.
It's hard to look back and remember moments when I wasn't my best; when I lost patience and raised my voice; when I shooed her away because I was too busy to hug and play. Those moments haunt me now. I feel so selfish.
I miss my best friend who loved me unconditionally; who certainly deserved so much more than I gave. And I thank her for sharing her life with me.
I hope she knows I love her.
Brandi Jayne
11-5-2002 / 8-18-2016
RIP my love.